Nation Thrilled By Ejaculating Canine

Just throwing it out there that a year and a half after Charlie the maltese humped and shot his little dog load all over my couch, nearly 15,000 people have tuned in to watch it over and over again. This is truly an enlightened time to be alive.

Family Guy Takes It Up A Notch

In this past week’s episode of Family Guy:

• Peter Griffin is raped by a bull.
• Peter Griffin is sexually assaulted by his teenage daughter, Meg.
• Meg Griffin curb-stomps Peter Griffin, breaking his teeth.
• Meg Griffin knocks her female classmate unconscious with a sack of aluminum cans and then tongue kisses her while she is still passed out.

Biden Rules

State of the Union

If you have money, things are probably pretty good. If you don’t, not so much.

It’s that simple.

An Open Letter To ESPN’s Jim Caple

Dear Jim Caple,

You are dumb. In your January 25 ESPN.com column, “Runs Remain The Most Important Stat,” you attempt to argue in favor of the titular point. This was a silly undertaking, as your argument is about as compelling as listening to a retarded person stumble his way through REM’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” and your conclusion makes no sense.

Do you really believe that runs scored is “a simple and underrated tool for measuring a player’s value?” In 2009, Chone Figgins finished third in the major leagues in runs scored.

Are you really of the opinion that he, as well as Aaron Hill, Dustin Pedroia, Robinson Cano, and 14 other players were better than Hanley Ramirez in 2009? Ramirez led the majors in runs scored in 2008 despite having a nearly identical season in ’09.

The principle issue with the runs-scored stat is that individual players’ runs-scored totals are heavily dependent on the lineup that surrounds the player.

The variance from year to year in players’ runs-scored totals should be obvious to a person who is paid to write about baseball on one of the visible sports media outlets in the world, as just two of the top-10 run scorers in 2008 remained in the top 10 in 2009 (Pedroia and Chase Utley). It’s no coincidence that seven of 2009’s top 10 run scorers played for playoff teams.

The fact that so much of scoring runs is out of an individual player’s hands relegates individual run totals to that same dustbin of obsolete stats as RBI, which has been long dismissed by thinking baseball fans as insignificant in player evaluation. Wait—never mind, you’re “not saying that RBIs aren’t important,” and believe that “a better stat, of course, is runs plus RBI.” How does it make any sense to evaluate a player’s ability based on things that require other players on the team to make happen?

Listen dude, I don’t mean to come down so hard on you, but ESPN.com is a pretty influential sports media outlet and when you post some stupid thing about how runs scored are awesome, a lot of people are exposed to your misguided opinions that have no basis in logic or reality.

There are three examinable components to a baseball player’s offensive performance—getting on base, hitting for power, and running the bases. All are important, and there are numerous metrics, complicated and otherwise, that allow even casual baseball fans to evaluate a player’s prowess in any of them.

Sincerely,

Jake Rake

The Jewress & The Ol’ Popcorn Trick

Cartoon Character Hardcore Porn Gallery

Using a basic Google Image search, one can find a picture of just about every cartoon character ever drawn fucking just about any other cartoon character ever drawn:

Glen Bell Serving Fourth Meal To God Now

Perhaps overshadowed by the deaths of tens of thousands of Haitians or maybe something embarrassing Kim Kardashian did last week was a great loss to America’s taco community as Glen Bell, the near-mythical founder of Taco Bell, passed away at his home in California. In addition to opening thousands of Taco Bell franchises around the world before selling his Taco empire to Pepsi in 1978 and having a son named Rex, Bell is credited with inventing the now-common crunchy taco shell. Rest in peace, sweet prince.

Haiti Suffers Devastatingly Sexy Earthquake

Things are slightly worse in Haiti this week following a devastating earthquake that has killed thousands of people who were on the verge of dying of hunger to begin with. Never one to hold back when it comes to making news sexy and appealing, WashingtonPost.com opted to lead its coverage of the tragedy with some clee.

Solid work guys, Rupert Murdoch would be proud.

R.I.P. Ridiculously Unlucky Guy

Monday, August 6, 1945: While on a business trip to Hiroshima, Tsutomu Yamaguchi suffers serious burns over most of his upper body after the United States drops an atomic bomb over the Japanese town.

Thursday, August 9, 1945: After spending one night in whatever makeshift structure they were using as a hospital in the decimated ruins on Hiroshima, Yamaguchi is in the midst of a second day of recovery back in his home town of Nagasaki when for the second time in less than a week the United States drops an atomic bomb on him.

This past Monday, stomach cancer finally finished the job that the United States never could, killing Yamaguchi at his home in Nagasaki.

Some Statements With Which I Disagree

“It’s important I’m a Hall of Famer now”
-Andre Dawson

“There was never a real question of Dawson’s Hall of Fame worthiness”
-Phil Rogers

“When [Dawson] hit 49 home runs [in '87], he was the guy on that team…He was clearly the best player in our league that year.”
-Tony Gwynn

Dawson’s 1987 stats:

More Like, ‘Land of the Rising Housing Costs’

The Japanese have long toed the line between efficiency and weirdness, and Tokyo’s growing trend of “Capsule Hotels” does nothing to stray from the theme. Behold:

So there it is; Japanese people are now living in 30-sq. foot boxes stacked on top of one another. Next up: capsule hotel residents sleep with sensors attached to their nipples in order to power the building with their heartbeats/derive some weird Japanese sexual pleasure from the sheer efficiency of the whole box-nipple-electricity operation.

I Guess We Can Cross Soundgarden Off The ‘Went Out On Top’ List

“It’s almost like we sealed the lid and said, this is Soundgarden and this is its lifespan, and put it out there. And it looks really great to me. I think getting back together would take the lid off that and then could possibly change what… to me seems like the perfect lifespan of the band. I can’t think of any reason to mess with that.”
-Chris Cornell
June 10, 2007

“The 12 year break is over & school is back in session. Sign up now. Knights of the Soundtable ride again!”
-Chris Cornell
Decemember 31, 2009

I’ll still probably end up going to see them.

Some Facts About Neil Armstrong

Via Wikipedia*

• In the fall of 1979, Armstrong was working at his farm near Lebanon, Ohio. As he jumped off of the back of his grain truck, his wedding ring caught in the wheel, tearing off the tip of his ring finger. However, he calmly collected the severed digit, packed it in ice, and managed to have it reattached by microsurgeons at the Jewish Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky.
• In May 2005 Armstrong became involved in an unusual legal battle with his barber of 20 years, Marx Sizemore. After cutting Armstrong’s hair, Sizemore sold some of it to a collector for $3,000 without Armstrong’s knowledge or permission. Armstrong threatened legal action unless the barber returned the hair or donated the proceeds to a charity of Armstrong’s choosing. Sizemore, unable to get the hair back, decided to donate the proceeds to the charity of Armstrong’s choice.
• Armstrong was also inducted into the Aerospace Walk of Honor and the Astronaut Hall of Fame. [Ed.'s note: Did they really need to vote on inducting Neil Armstrong into the Astronaut Hall of Fame? Did somebody vote against him? Are there Aeromautical purists of such discerning taste that they consider Neil Armstrong unworthy of the Astronaut Hall of Fame?]

*Unverified, because honestly, who cares?

I Actually Didn’t, But I’m Glad It Worked Out This Way