Finally, A Practical Application For iPhone

Posted in Advertising, Food, Taco Bell with tags , on July 8, 2009 by jakerake

Thanks to a tip from the ever-exploring Ted Berg, my fancy Apple telephone is now equipped with Taco Bell’s just-released Menu Shaker Application. Just enter the amount of money you want to spend at Taco Bell and give the phone a shake and the application will display a combination of items that can be obtained for said amount of money. Be prepared to be impressed/amazed/slightly disgusted by how much seasoned ground beef can be acquired for $3.

The application also features a Taco Bell location finder which doesn’t work very well and requires use of Safari, which is generally a pain in the ass on the iPhone, but I imagine that will be fixed in an update.

As of publication of this post, no one had updated Taco Bell Wiki with news of T-Bell’s first venture into your telephone; Jump on that, someone…

photo

Screen Shot of the Taco Bell iPhone App.

Al Sharpton Confused

Posted in Famous People with tags , on July 7, 2009 by jakerake

“I want his children to know, there wasn’t nothing strange about your daddy.”
- Rev. Al Sharpton,
Speaking at Michael Jackson’s memorial service on Tuesday

michael_jackson

It’s one thing to wax positive at a funeral, but to suggest that there was “nothing strange” about a dude who was accused on numerous occasions of molesting children while living in an amusement park and sometimes changing his race is pretty strange in itself.

Wrists > Gravity

Posted in Pictures with tags on July 5, 2009 by jakerake

Willie Trebach, as would have been depicted in the Silent Film Era

Willie Trebach, as would have been depicted in the Silent Film Era

Report: Gypsies Real

Posted in Movies with tags , , on July 3, 2009 by jakerake

Without being groundbreaking or even particularly noteworthy in terms of originality, Sam Raimi’s Drag Me to Hell is totally sweet. The film excels within the standard-issue horror-movie, “I got cursed by a Gypsy and now all kinds of scary shit is happening” scenario. The main character, Christine Brown (Alison Lohman), is well defined in her perfect ordinariness, the demons look cool and pacing of the film is great, with the creatures things popping in and DragMetoHell03out of all corners of the screen making you jump at just the right time. While I enjoyed the film immensely, one thing remained in the back of my mind throughout: Gypsies are real, and it seems weird that they continue to be depicted as the horror genre’s go-to bringers of terror.

Drag Me to Hell is hardly the first movie to utilize the mysterious nature of the Roma People as an instrument of fear; Terrifying mayhem occurs onscreen as the result of Gypsy curses everywhere, from Stephen King’s Thinner to the Tom Hanks-Penny Marshall classic, Big (although the latter was a robot Gypsy; still fair game). I’m not offended by the overt stereotyping of Roma People in film, I just think it’s interesting that it occurs so frequently and that no one seems to care. Michael Bay’s latest piece of shit, the Transformers sequel, has drawn criticism for two robot characters who speak in Ebonics, similar to the negative attention garnered by Star Wars: Episode I for it’s own supposed racial caricature, Jar-Jar Binks, while any of the numerous Jewish media watchdog groups throw a hissy fit about anything resembling what they believe to be negative portrayals of Jews – including real-life Jew Larry David’s caricature of himself on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I guess it could be the case that Roma media advocacy groups just aren’t powerful enough to voice their concerns, or maybe they just don’t care about being stereotyped; I wouldn’t (and don’t). It just seems interesting that this one ethnic group somehow slipped under the radar of political correctness. You can be sure that papers would be abuzz with criticism if horror movies began featuring Gentiles cursed by sinister Jew Magic or Negro Spells.

Artwork by Eban Singer

Artwork by Eban Singer

Guest Blogger, Eban Singer: “I Have Things To Say About Joe Dumars”

Posted in Guest Blogger, Non-Baseball Sports with tags , , , , on July 2, 2009 by jakerake

Following a semi-catatonic late-night YouTube sesh two nights ago, Joe Dumars unseated John Stockton as my latest former-basketball-player mancrush.  Not only was Dumars a (if not “the”) central figure of the most dominant team of the late-eighties, but he has personally assembled a Pistons’ team that, disregarding last year’s failed Iverson-Hamilton-Stuckey experiment, has been one of the most dominating teams of the last decade.Dumars

But then just yesterday, a day after replacing the Stockton picture in my wallet with one of Dumars, he goes and shakes my emotions to the point where I don’t know which way is up.  To offset the commendable signing of Charlie Villanueva, a 24-year-old Wallace clone to replace the 34-year-old husk of Wallace that played for the Pistons last year (and for the price that some hopeless team will pay for one fan-appreciation-night a year, Dumars goes and signs a 26-year-old Richard Hamilton clone in Ben Gordon.  At first I thought this was a great idea; Joe-D replaced an aging part with a younger, more durable model.  But then I remembered that Dumars committed $34 million over the next 3 years to Rip just 8 months ago.  What?

Granted, there couldn’t be a more ideal replacement for Rip; Gordon’s jump-shooting playing style and numbers are nearly identical to Rip in every way except for 3-point shooting, Hamilton’s biggest weakness but one of Gordon’s main strengths (in 5 seasons, Gordon has racked up nearly twice as many 3’s (770 to 401) as Hamilton has in 10 seasons, and all at a better clip (.415 to .368).  Unfortunately for Dumars, Gordon is also nearly identical to Hamilton in two other important ways: their multi-year contracts in excess of $10 mil yearly and their profound need to start.  You think Rip was upset about being benched in favor Allen Iverson, one of the most prolific scorers of all time and the most productive guard of the last 15 years?  How upset do you think he will be when his 26-year-old self comes round to replace him?  And Ben Gordon may not have gone public with his dissatisfaction with coming off the bench in Chicago, but everyone watching knew he hated it, even when he was playing over 30 minutes a game.  How do you think he’ll handle it now that he has signed his first big-money contract?

I suppose you have to give it up to Dumars for having a design that works and figuring out how to replace all the pieces without changing the boat (note that Rodney Stuckey is nothing if not a 23-year-old Chauncey Billups).  But Hamilton didn’t need replacing; he is still as productive as ever and under contract for another 3 years.  Joe-D could have better spent the money due Ben Gordon over the next 5 years greatly improving and solidifying his front court by letting 35-year-old Antonio McDyess walk and signing 24-year-old double-V-double-A machine Paul Millsap, who will be available now that the Jazz are committed to Carlos Boozer and Mehmet Okur.  Not to mention that Millsap and Jason Maxiell could be the identical henchmen that Villanueva needs to carry out his evil hairless plans.

On the other hand, Dumars may have just recreated the three-guard attack of the late-eighties Pistons that he anchored along with Isiah Thomas and Vinnie Johnson.  If so, I’ll be the first to write a fawning puff piece of Joe Dumars, or maybe even to puff a piece of Joe Dumars.  But unfortunately for me and Joe’s-D, I think the three-man rotation that Dumars has recreated isn’t the dominating backcourt of the late-eighties but the bickering backcourt of 2008-09 that failed so fantastically.

ESPN.com Censors Let One Slide…

Posted in Naked People, People With Funny Names, Pictures, The Internet with tags , on June 30, 2009 by jakerake

Picture 1

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Look At Because It Is Often Terrifying (But Also Hilarious)

Posted in Naked People, Pictures with tags , , on June 30, 2009 by jakerake

Wikipedia has finally colorized its epic diagram that accompanies the definition of “Frotting.” Never again will anyone be confused by the logistics of dick-to-dick sexual contact.

180px-Frottage.svg

Additionally, Wikipedia’s List of Sexual Positions is filled [PUN] with similarly hilarious sexual diagrams, including the tri-racial oral threesome:

478px-Threesome_in_colour.svg

What are you still doing on this site? Get over to Wikipedia immediately and join me in this parade of hilarity.

Bernie Madoff Gets Off Easy (Sentencing-Wise, Not, Like, Sex)

Posted in Lists, The News with tags , on June 29, 2009 by jakerake

There really is no such thing as justice in this country. While pot dealers and perpetrators of similarly petty crimes languish in jail, word came today that the mastermind behind one of the most treacherous financial schemes in American history will be back on the streets in a mere 150 years. That means the 71-year-old Madoff will be back in time to appreciate all of the following:bernard-l-madoff-is-jewish

1.)  An appearance by a mysterious time traveler from 180 years in the future in a unfolding of a real-life Back to the Future scenario.
2.) J.D. Salinger’s 240th birthday.
3.) The incorporation of a new baseball franchise in Washington D.C., with the previous franchise, the Washington Nationals, having relocated to Las Vegas in 2015 and later the Moon in 2108.
4.) The official canonization of Darren Daulton, who, as it turns out, was right about everything.
5.) The 2161 edition of the Rolling Stones’ unending embarrassment parade.
6.) The 170th season of The Simpsons.
7.) Year 158 of the American War on Terror.
8.) Observant Jews giving up and reclassifying pigs as vegetables.
9.) The 145th anniversary of the demise of both Major League Soccer and the WNBA.
10.) American independence from China.

Have A Rare Enjoyable Bar Experience At D.C.’s Dan’s Cafe

Posted in DC-Baltimore, Food, Non-Blog Articles with tags , , , on June 26, 2009 by jakerake

Who wants to get drunk? If your answer is “me” (referring to you, rather than me), Dan’s Café in Adam’s Morgan isimg_148827_primary where you should be in the very near future. With decorum that feels like the hull of an old ship and prices that make it feel like that ship is destined for someplace awesome, Dan’s is the choice destination for D.C.-area dive bar enthusiasts.

Continue reading at District Eats…

Thursday Celebrity News Haiku

Posted in Famous People, The News on June 25, 2009 by jakerake

Michael Jackson: Dead
Geovany Soto bakes
Farrah Fawcett: Dead

Also, people fucking love dead celebrities. I almost couldn’t get my browser large enough to get this screen shot:

Dead Celebrities

NY Times Catches Up To Rake Blog

Posted in Baseball, Shameless Self-Promotion, The News with tags , , , on June 24, 2009 by jakerake

Rake Blog, May 18, 2009:

…As the allegedly tainted sluggers of the Steroid Era begin to trickle into Hall of Fame eligibility, the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA), the self-regulating collective of beat writers who vote on Hall of Fame candidates as well as player awards including the Cy Young, MVP, and Rookie of the Year trophies, is seeing to it that the question will not be, “How should the Hall of Fame react to players whose performance was enhanced by illegal chemical stimulation?” But instead, “Does the Hall of Fame even matter?”…NY Times

The New York Times, June 19, 2009:

The Baseball Hall of Fame, which started as a local tourist attraction and a major-league publicity stunt, has since become a national field of dreams — and now, a battlefield. If it surrenders to the moralists who want to turn back the clock to some imagined golden era, and excommunicates the greatest stars anyone has ever seen, it will suffer the fate of all battlefields located on the wrong side of history. Obscurity.

Note: Great Op-ed by Zev Chafets

Chris Sprow As Bad At Thinking As Arky Vaughan Was Good At Baseball

Posted in Baseball with tags , , on June 23, 2009 by jakerake

Well, looks like we can add Chris Sprow to the list of people who, regardless of what their business cards say, have no business writing about baseball. In a column in the June 29th edition of ESPN: The Magazine, Sprow discusses the players currently enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame that he believes to be least deserving. While I have no problem with Mr. Sprow expressing his opinions, I do take issue with his reasoning, which in turn leads me to feel some degree of disappointment with ESPN for presenting this drivel as if it were an informed point of view.

Sprow correctly identifies Bill Mazeroski as one of the first casualties of any purge of the HOF; no player with a career adjusted OPS+ of 84 should even be allowed to visit the Hall of Fame (with the exception of Ozzie Smith at 87, but at least he played shortstop). Once the list comes to Boston Beaneaters star Hugh Duffy, though, Sprow’s reasoning takes a nosedive. Again, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and a left fielder with a

vaughan

Arky Vaughan, prior to dying

career adjusted OPS+ of 122 is certainly a worthwhile candidate to have their HOF credentials questioned. However, rather than discussing points such as Duffy’s place in the left-field positional delta and the brevity of his peak as a hitter. Quoth the Sprow:

“Hugh was pretty good — he has a career average of .324 — but consider us slightly concerned that in 1894 he ballooned to an average of .440, then never hit higher than .352 in a season thereafter.”

Never hit higher than .352 thereafter? Fuck Hugh Duffy! Let’s ignore the fact that Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Schmidt, Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, Eddie Mathews, Frank Robinson and Cal Ripken Jr. have exactly two seasons between them in which they hit .352 or higher (Aaron in 1959 and A-Rod in 1996). Who gets chastised for failing to hit .400?

A few slots down from Duffy on Sprow’s list of undeserving Hall of Famers is former Pirates shortstop Arky Vaughan. Vaughan’s inclusion on the list should immediately raise eyebrows, as even Sprow notes that by many metrics Vaughan is the second-best shortstop of all-time (after Honus Wagner). However, it is again the reasoning rather than the point that is problematic. Sprow:

Vaughan has just 2,103 career hits and 96 home runs.

Vaughan’s 2,103 career hits place him 204th all time, a ranking that may sound pedestrian, but when it is taken into consideration that there are over 16,000 player entries on Baseball-Reference, it can be appreciated that Vaughan’s hit total actually places him in the 98th percentile in the category all-time. But who gives a shit about hit totals? Ichiro routinely leads the league in hits, and Ichiro clearly sucks.

What we, not to mention those of us who are paid by the largest sports media company in the world to think and write about sports, should be noting is that Vaughan’s career adjusted OPS+ of 136 bests Hall of Famers Ripken, Ernie Banks, George Brett, Al Kaline, Orlando Cepeda, Joe Morgan, Jackie Robinson, Tony Gwynn, Rod Carew, Wade Boggs, Roberto Clemente and a whole slew of others, not to mention such active luminaries as David Ortiz, Jason Bay, Adam Dunn and Chase Utley. It should also be noted that while his 96 career home runs are nothing to write home about, Vaughan finished in the top 10 in the league in doubles in five of his 14 seasons, OPS in seven and slugging in four. (Side note: Vaughan also died at the age of 40 when he was lost at sea, which is something that used to happen to people. Hilarious.)

It’s fine to argue that Arky Vaughan or Hugh Duffy or any baseball player is better or worse than any other player, however, at least attempt to make a rational argument, especially if said argument is going to be consumed by an audience of millions. I didn’t even get paid to write this piece and I somehow managed to squeeze in a little research prior to expressing my opinions.

Rake Blog Blogroll Swelling With New Food Sites

Posted in DC-Baltimore, Food, Shameless Self-Promotion with tags , , on June 22, 2009 by jakerake

The Rake Blog Kinfolk menu on the right site of the side you are currently reading welcomes two new additions this week, with the introduction of my cousin Josh Ellis’ new beer blog, Heights Hops, and my brother’s Washington D.C.-area consumables site, District Eats.

Josh Ellis: Blogger

Josh Ellis: Blog Mang

Readers of Rake Blog will no doubt appreciate the wit and candor of Josh’s new site, which features reviews of regional imbibements as well as insight and updates about his own homemade microbrews. The fact that Josh is a gigantic pervert only helps his cause. District Eats will ultimately feature reviews and information about bars and restaurants in the greater D.C. area, as well as videos and a blog to keep readers abreast of noteworthy specials and events around town.

As no post on this site would be complete without a little self-absorbed shilling, I will be contributing some of my classic insight to the District Eats food blog, so enjoy the shit out of that.

David Gilmour Awesome Even As An Old Man

Posted in Music with tags , on June 22, 2009 by jakerake

Nothing Says “Loving Tribute” Like a Volkswagon Beetle Adorned With a Generic Message to a Dead Person

Posted in Pictures, Stupid People on June 19, 2009 by jakerake

RIP Dad