Sammy Sosa Does Some Stupid Thing

Now he’s a white guy:

What an idiot.

And here he is with Vin Diesel at what can safely be assumed is some kind of steroid convention:

It's a pretty safe bet that these guys are not talking about math.

Rank The Mets!

The 2009 Mets were not good. Injuries, unpredictable ineffectiveness, Bernie Madoff and any number of other factors have been blamed for the team’s laughable performance, but today we’re going to look past that and focus simply on what happened, rather than why it happened.

Despite a payroll of nearly $150 million that ranked second only to their neighbors across the Triborough Robert F. Kennedy Bridge, below are the Mets’ offense rankings among the 16 National League teams:

Some of these are directly related to each other; For example, the high batting average and hilariously low slugging percentage indicates that the Mets’ copious hits were primarily Ichiroesque singles, which in turn explains the high GDP rate. The stolen bases are interesting too, as the Mets finished first in the league despite losing Jose Reyes for most of the year. However, the team’s high caught stealing total betrays it’s strategy of “When you get on base, just keep running.”

Metropolitan pitchers didn’t fare much better in 2009:

Two years ago, it seemed unthinkable that any pitching staff that included Johan Santana could rank last in the league in strikeouts, but here we are. Not only did Santana miss time, limiting him to 166 2/3 innings — his lowest total since becoming a full-time starting pitcher in 2004, he also fell short of his career strikeout rate by a full K-per-9 for the second straight season. Unfortunately for the Mets, methinks decline is coming.

So there you go: The 2009 Mets were not good at pitching or hitting.

Cordial Invitation

Loyal Readers,

If you live in the NY area (and are not black or Jewish), stop by Cherry Tree Bar in Brooklyn on Thursday night (11/12) for the launch party and screening of the film, Ghost Toast, and its accompanying website. I wrote the film along with Shira Danan and it was shot by Will Trebach and Pete Saia. If I do say so myself, which I do, it is an excellent movie. Come by the bar, meet the geniuses behind the masterpiece and laugh your tight little asses off.

Innuendo Priceless

I came across the following news story while perusing WashingtonPost.com on Sunday night:

Always a sucker for displays of animals doing hilarious animal things, I gave the YouTube link a clickiola, as video of a lion attacking a deer is far more interesting than a newspaper reporter’s description of the events. I noticed, however, that the YouTube link above linked to a video entitled “Baby deer escapes Lions at the National Zoo part 2.” The video depicted exactly what was promised, but knew there had to be a reason why the Post’s link skipped “Part I” and went directly to the second scene. One YouTube search later, I found the hilarious answer located about 13 seconds into “Baby deer escapes Lions at the National Zoo part 1“  Enjoy!

Racially Hilarious Businesses Abound

Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Washington D.C. (photo by Will Trebach)

Nation’s Idiots Surprised That This Guy Smokes Weed

Wanna See A Furious-Looking Bird?

Manu Ginobili Takes Care Of Shit

A bat flew onto the court of the Spurs-Kings game on Saturday. I won’t discuss because for all I know, that’s just what happens in Texas. However, Manu Ginobili deciding that he and the bat could not co-exist rules.

Even better might be the guy who looks completely unsurprised when Ginobili hands the bat to him after killing it. He’s probably the team’s bat boy. Whackity Smackity Doo!

Wealthy Redneck Briefly Pitches In World Series Game

For anyone overwhelmed and surprised by A.J. Burnett’s early exit in Monday night’s World Series Game 5 against the Phillies, here is some Earth-shattering news:

A.J. Burnett, seen here showing off his killer tats and generally looking like an extra from Deliverance.

A.J. Burnett totally sucks.

I’m not sure how this fact has been ignored to such extremes that not only is it not common knowledge, but two major league baseball teams have seen fit to invest tens of millions of dollars in the notion that it is not true. Over the course of his 11 seasons in the big leagues, Burnett has occasionally succeeded in not totally sucking, but for the most part it is the rule at this point.

In 2009, his first season as a Yankee, Burnett led the American League in two categories: walks and wild pitches. It was his second career wild pitch title and fourth top-ten finish in both. Burnett’s reverse-Bondsian walk total helped propel his WHIP (number of baserunners allowed per nine innings pitched) into 26^th place among the 30 AL pitchers who qualified for rate stats. All of this while pocketing nearly $17 million this season. What a dick.

Enter Black Jack Taco

Despite a population that would qualify as the fourth most-populous city in America, Brooklyn is a barren wasteland when it comes to Taco Bell. According to Google Maps, there are but nine Taco Bell locations in the entire borough, or roughly one Taco Bell for every 278,000 residents. That figure is reduced even further when taking into account rogue outfits such as Taco Bell Express or daytime-only stores such as the fake-ass Taco Bell on 3^rd Ave., where the Dunkin Donuts and Pizza Hut factions of the store stay open all night, while the Taco Bell part closes at 10:00; What, people just stop wanting tacos at 10:00 at night? Bullshit.

During a recent jaunt into the big city, which boasts no fewer than 20 Taco Bell locations, I was able to sample a variety of the new and innovative products that I’ve been missing out on over the course of my self-imposed exile in King’s County.

As Taco Bell’s newest item and the focal point of most active TB media, the Black Jack Taco was the priority item during this particular visit. After all, “Black is the new taco,” and while the words in that order make no sense, I understood completely. As Ted Berg pointed out in a recent column, the only new ingredient in the Black Jack Taco is the black taco shell, a minor innovation that follows comfortably in the tradition of the red taco shell that first appeared in last year’s Volcano Taco. It should be noted, however, that red tortilla source material had already been present for several years prior to the emergence of Volcano Taco in the form of Crunchy Red Strips, which had previously surfaced in the Big Taste Taco and Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, among others. Black tortilla matter, on the other hand, is a completely original concept on the Taco Bell menu as far as I know.

But I digress. Found within the confines of said black taco shell are all of the ingredients that make up your typical Taco Bell taco – ground beef, lettuce and shredded cheddar cheese – along with Zesty Pepperjack Sauce, which has previously made appearances in the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and other such delicia, but had yet to be coupled with the typical taco ensemble. The symphony of Taco Bell flavors is outstanding, making Black Jack Taco a wonderful, if only temporary addition of the Taco Bell oeuvre.

Jake Gets Photoshop; Next Up On The Writing Block

When Alice in Chains, one of the most successful rock bands of the 1990’s, lost their frontman in a drug-related suicide, they thought their days as monsters of rock were over! However, friend and 1993 Cy Young Award-winner Jack McDowell  disagreed. McDowell made some calls, and before you could snuff the rooster, a new frontman was recruited; one with nearly 3,000 hits and 400 home runs over the course of a lengthy career as a major-league baseball player. Huzzah!

Coming soon, the heart-warming story of a band of rockers looking to recapture its past glory coupled with the incorporation of a Chicago White Sox legend. Ladies and Gentlemen…

TCV Announce Record Release Date, Living Finally Worthwhile

Them Crooked Vultures’ eponymous, self-produced debut album will be released on November 17th. Not surprisingly, the QOTSA-esque “New Fang” has been announced as the first single.

Serious Business At ABC News

Yes, ABC News actually ran the following story:

“The Fugz Hall of Fame: When Ick Men Happen To Hot Women”

However, the real gold is in the comments:

“These men are so strong in character. That is so sexy and a turn on. Women are not always looking for good looking men.” Totally agree. I’m no looker, not rich in money terms. But throughout my life I have been blessed (and continually surprised) by the succession of HOT ladies that want me as theirs. I finally came to the conclusion it is because of the breadth of my character. I am great with kids (mainly because I treat them each as a person not as a little human, regardless of age), a great and adventurous cook, amateur percussionist who benefited from music scholarship at university (marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade), seasoned traveler (lived in Japan, Turkey, Scotland, Panama, Korea, Greece, Vietnam, Thailand, Alaska, Florida, Ohio, Texas, NY (upstate; traveled or worked in Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, Egypt, Cyprus, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Germany, Philippines, Antigua, Puerto Rico, Canado, Mexico, Hawaii), teach firearms safety and marksmanship, speak and teach Chinese Mandarin; speak, French, German, Greek, Turkish; studying Spanish; shoot (aper targets) competitively out to 1000 yards; have logged more than 250 combat missions; flown in more than ten different types of historic multi-engine aircraft (Ford Tri-Motor, DC-3, RAF Shackleton, Lockheed USNavy EP3, C130 Hercules, DeHavilland Comet, and many more) portray a WW2 Scottish soldier as a re-enactor; reload my own ammunition; write techinical documents for software companies professionally; design websites and online help programs; am a 100+ unit blood donor; read everything; have a sharp, subtle, and incisive sense of humor; dress conservatively yet with class. I am totally amazed that the sexiest and most attractive females have flung themselves at me since I was in 7th grade, and continue to do so. It works! – Apricots21 10:53 PM

Book Review

The reason John Ortved’s just-published book, The Simpsons: An Uncensored, Unauthorized History, is so effective lies with John Ortved’s apparent self-awareness—John Ortved appears to be fully aware that, practically speaking, no one cares about John Ortved. Rather than a series of fawning deconstructions on what drew the author to his subject, An Unauthorized History consists mainly of interviews with Conan O’Brien, Hank Azaria, and a plethora of names easily recognizable from The Simpsons‘ credits. The result is an overstuffed oral history from as close to the source as one can get when the source is a family of cartoon characters.

Continue reading…

Cleveland Show Apparently Reaching Weird Niche Demographic

On the Hulu streaming broadcast of the latest episode of FOX’s Family Guy-spinoff, The Cleveland Show, the second advertisement was for the DVD of the film Jumper.

This is weird, as Jumper came out almost two years ago and was released on DVD on June 10, 2008.

Who is the demographic to whom FOX believes they need to advertise a moderately obscure film that has been available to the public for more than a year? I am flummoxed.

Hayden Christensen, sans Darth Vader costume for some reason.