BBWAA Indicates It May Not Consist Exclusively Of Retards

In a rare display of competence, the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA) completed a four-award sweep today by making the correct choices for MVP and Cy Young Awards in both leagues. Cardinals first baseman and misguided religious adherent Albert Pujols was announced as the National League MVP today, joining Joe Mauer, Tim Lincecum and Zack Greinke in the surprisingly aptly chosen recipients of their leagues’ highest honors. The recognition of Pujols and Mauer as the Most Valuable Players in their respective leagues comes in stark contrast to most other decisions the BBWAA has made in recent years, including the preposterous suggestion that Jimmy Rollins, Bartolo Colon and Dustin Pedroia have at any point in their careers been the best players in their leagues.

Waldo Found, Sadness Persists

Waldo, whose camoflage against his surroundings alleviated Kevin Schweiber's crippling sadness for a matter of minutes.

Westchester, NY – Sources indicated Monday that despite having successfully located Waldo, the stripe-clad cartoon character created by British illustrator Martin Handford, Westchester resident Kevin Schweiber remains equally depressed as he was prior to his discovery. “The beach scene gave me a little trouble, but I ultimately found him in a couple of minutes,” the 24-year-old reported, his hooded sweatshirt stained with what appeared to be buffalo wing sauce. “I breezed through the rest of them pretty quick though, and now I still have an hour to be alone with my thoughts before King of the Hill comes on TBS.”

Schweiber, who began a re-examination of the Where’s Waldo books after retrieving them on a recent visit to his parents’ house, confirmed that while he had completed Where’s Waldo?, the first in the original Waldo trilogy, he still had copies of Where’s Waldo Now? and The Great Waldo Search to get through, although he was saving them for later in the week when he anticipated a continuation of his endless hours of solitude.

Krist Hath Risen!

Look who it is comforting Robin Williams’ Lance Clayton at the porno magazine stand in Bobcat Goldthwait’s dark, dark, dark comedy, World’s Greatest Dad:

Robin Williams and everyone's favorite giant Croation rock bassist bond over the delightful triad of tears, porn and suicide.

Some Guys With World Series Rings, 2007-2009

Kevin Cash: Champion

Ghost Toast Now Online

www.GhostToast.net

 

Guest Blogger: Will Trebach

El Gusto es mio: the willie trebach story, by pete saia, as told by willie trebach

Chapter one, El Gust es Mio con queso

When I was three mom said to me, always eat at least three procusttio and fresh motz subs per week, if not, compensate by making chicken with corn flake crumbs.

When I became old enough to do cool things I started lifting like shit at the gym, once I lifted over 158km (200lbs). Pete tried to lift some weights once but he was not too capable. That girl you were with was straight BUSTED as shit. If I wake up and you are not in your bed (contrats) but at the same time ill be all like, damn, I wish I made sleep in your bed instead of the floor. LOLz. Sincerely,

Willie aka mauel

Goodnight moon

lolz

Steroids Still Really Boring

“Problem is, the past won’t go away.”
Gene Wojciechowski, referring to Mark McGwire’s refusal to address his history of alleged steroid abuse.

Fuck you, Gene Wojciechowski. In this instance, the past isn’t going away because hacks like you keep writing about it. What is to be gained by pressing McGwire about the performance-enhancing drugs that he and just about every other professional athlete under the sun was using ten years ago? Goddamn it, this is so fucking boring.

Sammy Sosa Does Some Stupid Thing

Now he’s a white guy:

What an idiot.

And here he is with Vin Diesel at what can safely be assumed is some kind of steroid convention:

It's a pretty safe bet that these guys are not talking about math.

Rank The Mets!

The 2009 Mets were not good. Injuries, unpredictable ineffectiveness, Bernie Madoff and any number of other factors have been blamed for the team’s laughable performance, but today we’re going to look past that and focus simply on what happened, rather than why it happened.

Despite a payroll of nearly $150 million that ranked second only to their neighbors across the Triborough Robert F. Kennedy Bridge, below are the Mets’ offense rankings among the 16 National League teams:

Some of these are directly related to each other; For example, the high batting average and hilariously low slugging percentage indicates that the Mets’ copious hits were primarily Ichiroesque singles, which in turn explains the high GDP rate. The stolen bases are interesting too, as the Mets finished first in the league despite losing Jose Reyes for most of the year. However, the team’s high caught stealing total betrays it’s strategy of “When you get on base, just keep running.”

Metropolitan pitchers didn’t fare much better in 2009:

Two years ago, it seemed unthinkable that any pitching staff that included Johan Santana could rank last in the league in strikeouts, but here we are. Not only did Santana miss time, limiting him to 166 2/3 innings — his lowest total since becoming a full-time starting pitcher in 2004, he also fell short of his career strikeout rate by a full K-per-9 for the second straight season. Unfortunately for the Mets, methinks decline is coming.

So there you go: The 2009 Mets were not good at pitching or hitting.

Cordial Invitation

Loyal Readers,

If you live in the NY area (and are not black or Jewish), stop by Cherry Tree Bar in Brooklyn on Thursday night (11/12) for the launch party and screening of the film, Ghost Toast, and its accompanying website. I wrote the film along with Shira Danan and it was shot by Will Trebach and Pete Saia. If I do say so myself, which I do, it is an excellent movie. Come by the bar, meet the geniuses behind the masterpiece and laugh your tight little asses off.

Innuendo Priceless

I came across the following news story while perusing WashingtonPost.com on Sunday night:

Always a sucker for displays of animals doing hilarious animal things, I gave the YouTube link a clickiola, as video of a lion attacking a deer is far more interesting than a newspaper reporter’s description of the events. I noticed, however, that the YouTube link above linked to a video entitled “Baby deer escapes Lions at the National Zoo part 2.” The video depicted exactly what was promised, but knew there had to be a reason why the Post’s link skipped “Part I” and went directly to the second scene. One YouTube search later, I found the hilarious answer located about 13 seconds into “Baby deer escapes Lions at the National Zoo part 1“  Enjoy!

Racially Hilarious Businesses Abound

Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Washington D.C. (photo by Will Trebach)

Nation’s Idiots Surprised That This Guy Smokes Weed

Wanna See A Furious-Looking Bird?

Manu Ginobili Takes Care Of Shit

A bat flew onto the court of the Spurs-Kings game on Saturday. I won’t discuss because for all I know, that’s just what happens in Texas. However, Manu Ginobili deciding that he and the bat could not co-exist rules.

Even better might be the guy who looks completely unsurprised when Ginobili hands the bat to him after killing it. He’s probably the team’s bat boy. Whackity Smackity Doo!