Meaningless Baseball Awards

As it is that time of year when baseball writers tally up the RBI leaders in each league and hand them a trophy and let them whack off all over the writers’ faces, here are my picks for the best pitchers and hitters in each league:

AL MVP: A-Rod
Runners-up: Grady Sizemore, Carlos Quentin, Milton Bradley
In the shadow of the Yankees’ epic failure to make the playoffs, not to mention his in-season divorce and subsequent dalliances with Madonna, A-Rod continues to pace the American League with another stellar offensive performance. Offense was down throughout the baseball this season, so while A-Rod’s 35 home runs were actually below his career 162-game average, they were still good for 3rd in the league, and his adjusted OPS+ was second only to Milton Bradley, who came to the plate 100 less times. A-Rod also played stellar defense and led the league in VORP.

NL MVP: Albert Pujols
Runners-up: Chipper Jones, Lance Berkman, Hanley Ramirez, David Wright
The Meng himself, it almost doesn’t even need to be stated that this guy and A-Rod are the best players in their respective leagues in any given season. His misguided affinity for God aside, Pujols rocked it at the plate, leading the league in slugging percentage, OPS and total bases, and finishing second in batting average and OBP, while maintaining his defensive prowess as the league’s premier first basemeng.

AL Cy Young: Cliff Lee
Runners-up: Roy Halladay, James Shields, Ervin Santana
Where the dick did this come from? Not to be confused with Cliff Walker Lee, who led the 1922 Philadelphia Athletics’ trio of star outfielders with a 125 OPS+, Cliff Phifer Lee decided to become the best pitcher in the league after having to compete with someone named Aaron Laffey for a spot in the Indians’ starting rotation during spring training. Lee led the league in wins, ERA and walk rate. Completely bizarre; let’s see him maintain it.

NL Cy Young: CC Sabathia
Runners-up: Johan Santana, Tim Lincecum, Edinson Volquez, Brandon Webb
This is a tough one, as Lincecum and Volquez were so completely dominant and Santana was a slightly diminished version of the best pitcher in baseball, Johan Santana. My choice of Sabathia comes on the strength of not only his dominant performance – 4:1 K:BB ratio, leading the NL in complete games despite not arriving in the league until July – but also his value to his team. Sabathia famously pitched his final three starts on three-days rest, pitching 21 2/3 innings with 21 K’s and 4 walks and holding opponents to a .452 OPS during that stretch as the Brewers made the postseason – an accomplishment that just wouldn’t have been possible without Sabathia’s individual performance.

AL ROY: Evan Longoria
Runners-up: Chris Davis, Mike Aviles, Denard Span, Joba
Not even close. The runners-up all had nice rookie years, with Davis really flying under the radar out in Texas with 17 HR in 317 plate appearances, but Longoria began his Hall-of-Fame campaign with a bang, smacking 27 home runs with an OPS+ of 130 in 508 plate appearances while playing shortstop-quality defense at third base. His name also sounds like that of a famous actress.

NL ROY: Geovany Soto
Runners-up: Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Jair Jurrjens
Smacking 60 extra-base hits as a catcher rules, so Geovany gets the award despite spelling his name incorrectly and being the greasiest dude ever. Soto and Votto had more or less the same season, but Soto wins by virtue of playing an important defensive position, while Votto stands by the first-base line waiting for other guys to make plays in the field.