Ultimate Worst-Song Mega-Mix Vol. 1

Blender magazine’s recent list of the 50 Worst Songs of All-Time reminded me that I had reneged on a promise that I would at some point devote space to discussing the same subject matter. Blender’s list is generally pretty solid, save for the inclusion of Corey Hart’s ‘Sunglasses at Night’ and Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘Sounds of Silence,’ which are both awesome (particularly the former). The Blender list also doesn’t adjust for novelty, hating on Eddie Murphy’s Rick James-produced foray into dance-pop, ‘Party All The Time’ and Wand Chung’s ‘Everybody Have Fun Tonight.’ There is no reason to talk shit about Wang Chung. The following list includes said novelty adjustment, as well as a number of other variables taken into consideration by a secret PECOTA-style metric familiar only to the Rake Blog staff. Some of these variables include sincerity, originality (generally lack thereof), blandness, stupidity, involvement of R. Kelly, hackneyedism and a plethora of other factors.

Without further Apu, the worst songs of all-time (not in order, except for #1):

1.) Life in the Fast Lane (The Eagles): If not for my burning desire to trash the rest of the aforementioned songs, this song would occupy slots 1-15,000 on a list of the worst things in the world, trumping Dane Cook, al-Qaeda, Christianity and the scene in Revenge of the Sith where a newly suited Darth Vader learns of Padme’s death and delivers an embarrassingly anti-climactic, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Despite its endorsement from Jeff Spicoli, the Eagles’ ode to crazy coke parties is the crappiest piece of music ever set to tape. With its twangy, pelvis-pumping lead riff and chorus about how awesome and dynamic Don Henley’s social life is, the Eagles should take this song with them on their rocket ride right into the sun.

2.) All Summer Long (Kid Rock): Mashing Warren Zevon’s head-nodding amalgam of major chords and howling, Werewolves of London, with Skynyrd’s battle cry of ignorance, ‘Sweet Home Alabama,’ the Kid rocks up and down the block with a lovely tale of drinking whiskey and “smoking funny things” while “Singin’ ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ all summer long.” Fuck Kid Rock for thinking that anyone gave a shit about his whimsical hick memories.

3.) Rollin’ (Limp Bizkit): Consult linked page.

4.) Penny Lane (The Beatles): Paul McCartney trying his damnedest to completely neuter the Beatles, singing a lovely little tune about an idealized town in which “the people that come and go, stop and say hello,” over a cutesy little piano-and-horn instrumental. Throwing in the overt drug references about the “pretty nurse selling poppies from a tray” really drive home Paul’s complete obliviousness. What a faggot.

5.) Your Body Is A Wonderland (John Mayer): People say things like, “John Mayer’s songs suck, but he’s a really talented musician.” However, said mantra has now been repeated enough times that the public has lost sight of how much John Mayer really sucks. Hearing this song should be an adequate refresher course, though.

6.) Wind it Up (Gwen Stefani): There really isn’t any aspect of this song that isn’t terrible, but if one were to single out one part to be considered the absolute worst, it would probably be the yodeling. What the fuck?

7.) Paradise City (Guns n’ Roses) This song takes the classic C-F-G chord progression of “Wild Thing,” “Louie Louie,” “The Sweater Song” and countless others and…plays it faster towards the end of the song. Marvelously innovative songwriting.

8.) Don’t Stop Believing (Journey): This one may have made the list based more on the public’s reaction to it rather than solely its own shortcomings as a song, as the first image that comes to mind when I hear it is a bunch of drunken assholes singing along at bars while pretending they’re not miserable, but don’t get me wrong, I hate this song for it’s shitty composition, boring chord changes and hackneyed melody as well.

9.) Ignition (R. Kelly): If it weren’t for his hilariously public urolagnian interests and the bizarre literalness of the epic, Trapped in the Closet, R. Kelly would have topped out at “I Believe I Can Fly,” and disappeared from public consciousness. Instead, we are treated to R. pretending that he is interested in enjoying things like drinking and hanging out with grown women, artfully demonstrated via the worst lyrics on this side of Fred Durst.

10.) Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day): “Drenched in my pain again…” Bullshit. The drum intro in this song is a dead ringer for “Paradise City” (which is not good). The part where the distorted guitar kicks in is perfect for rockstar-posturing. Who didn’t think that xylophones were the missing piece of Green Day’s oeuvre?