Hungry Like The Wolf: Gay in America

By The Wolf

Being gay in America today is super sweet! You get to live in trendy hotspots, blow dudes indiscriminately in restaurant bathrooms, wear the sexiest Diesel jeans, have awesome haircuts, hang with like fifty hot girls who are not intimidated by you because you don’t want to have sex with any of them, have a contentious/tempestuous/dysfunctional relationship with one or both parents which will make for killer material when you come out (gay pun!) with your angsty memoirs as a middle-aged adult…and if you live in Massachusetts, you can totally get married to your lover. Being gay in America rox!

I recently learned all about the true meaning of gayness when I went to Israel on Birthright and totally palled around with these awesome gay Jews who initiated me into their ultra-cool world. I don’t spend a lot of time with gay ppl, except when I’m waiting tables at my restaurant and the gay couple at my table wanted more orange juice and less champagne in their mimosas. Boy oh boy, was this a real treat for me! I had so many questions about being gay.

My favorite gay pal, with whom I shared a hotel room for a night — don’t worry, we didn’t hu or anything — explained to me the whole gay dating scheme. Wow. It was so stratified and complex, I didn’t know what to think. I thought being a super str8 dude trying to get with ppl of the opposite sex was hard, but now I realize that its pretty easy: you just get the other person drunk and if neither person is too ugly or pretty for the other, a hu can happen. The gay world is so much more complex — and if ur a gay Jew, even more so, because naturally your mother, once she forgives you for your decadent sodomite lifestyle, will want you to marry a nice Jewish boy and live in Boston.

Here, abbreviated, is the gay dating hierarchy, as described to me by my fave gay friend:

Twink
Twinks are gay men aged 16-25. If u are gay and younger than 16, your romantic world probably consists of Christian Bale photos on your hard drive and the choking game. Once u reach older teendom, u become a twink in the gay community. Twinks tend to be willowy, but short twinks can exist, as long as they are hairless and effeminate. (A hairy twink is an “Otter,” but I’ll address Otters later in full.) Twinks usually consort with other twinks. Twinks are not all about monogamy. They are often horny neophytes, and they revel in deflowering one another. Beware of an older twink: he may look innocent, but he is not.
Famous current twinks: Zac Efron, the Jonas Bros, Clay Aiken circa 2005

Stud
Studs are gay men aged 25-31. Studs are graduated twinks. Kanye: “I graduated, and u can live thru anything if Magic made it.” Studs have too much savoir-faire in the gay world to fall into the same old twink traps. They are hot and desirable. They spend many waking hours in the gym, lifting weights and running and burnishing their smooth, toned skin. They have sweet jobs like “banker,” and “lawyer.” They drive nice cars and get hu’ed with VIP’s at all the hot gay clubs like Apex and Manhole and Fireplace and Omega. Studs are desired by twinks but generally only consort with other studs and perhaps a 32 if they’re lucky enough to get one.
Famous current studs: Lance Bass, Clay Aiken circa 2009

32
32′s are gay men in their mid-30′s. The 32 is the stud of the stud. The cream of the cream. Everything true about a stud is true about a 32, except a 32 is even more toned and wealthy, and probably has better clothing, and is really about as good as you can do for being a gay dude in America. If u are a 32, you are probably waiting for only the best manpussy to come ur way so you can move to Boston and get hitched and adopt the cutest little babies to have a big gay fam.
Famous current 32s: Neil Patrick Harris, Rufus Wainwright

Bear
Bears are gay men at least in their 30s. Bears are different than studs and 32s for three major reasons:

1. Bears are very hairy
2. Bears are not toned at the gym
3. Bears are not classically “sexy.”

But don’t discount a good bear! Bears have done some wonderful things. They are great for cuddling and fisting, and a bear will always have ur back when u need him the most. Bears tend to get other bears, but some bears will fish for twinks. Like the great grizzly of the north dipping his paws into the river for salmon, some bears will find a stray twink and greedily abuse his genitals for months at a time. Bears are basically alt-gay; they are not alt like str8 dudes, because they are not hipsters or indie or whatever. They just decided not to go the gym/suppository/good job route that a lot of gay men fall into these days. If u see a bear, give him a hug!
Famous current bears: Bruce Vilanch, Perez Hilton

Troll
Trolls are gay men older than 40. Trolls are not much wanted by gay society. They have lost all their good looks, and if they were once bears, they never had good looks anyway. Trolls are the discarded remains of the gay community. If a troll was lucky, he roped himself a good man while he was a stud/32 and settled down for the rest of his life. Some trolls did not do this, and are constantly on the prowl for unwitting twinks.
Famous current trolls: Harvey Fierstein, David Sedaris

The Outliers:

Otter
Otters are gay men of twink age. Otters would be twinks, except that they look like little bears. Otters are in an odd predicament; twinks don’t want them because they don’t fit the typical twink build, but otters are often loath to hu with bears because bears are so much older and often more disgusting. I feel bad for otters; don’t u?

Daddy
Daddys are gay men of troll age. Daddys are trolls who take a little twink under their wing. They are called daddys because they have a daddy complex.

Sugardaddy
Sugardaddys are gay men of troll age. Sugardaddys are different than daddys because sugardaddys are actually wealthy and can treat their little twink boy-lovers to many opulent things.

The laundry calls. The Wolf rushes to the washer and dryer. Until next week…

Stay hungry, bitches

Fuck Chuck Norris

Sometimes the elements are more amusing than the compound. Ladies & Gentlemen: Kevin Mitchell.

1. Kevin Mitchell was shot three times as a teenager.
2. Kevin Mitchell allegedly engaged in a fistfight with future teammate and fellow ill-behaved novelty and MLB all-star Darryl Strawberry in the weeks following the two players being drafted by the New York Mets.
3. While hanging out with that other famous talented Met/degenerate drug user, Dwight Gooden, Kevin Mitchell apparently used a steak knife to decapitate his girlfriend’s pet cat.
4. Kevin Mitchell has never worn a cup, claiming, “I couldn’t find one big enough for my junk.”
5. The Bare-Handed Catch*
6. Kevin Mitchell is apparently the only MVP-winner to have played for eight different MLB teams.
7. Kevin Mitchell once broke a tooth while attempting to eat a frozen doughnut.
8. Kevin Mitchell may be the most underrated hitter of all time.
9. Kevin Mitchell loves Rake Blog.**

• Fuck Major League Baseball for monopolizing videos of people playing baseball, and hence, making a clip of this fantastically novel moment all but impossible to locate.
• *Probably not true.

Welcome, Brother

In your daily web surfing today, be sure to pay a visit to Jake’s Rake’s, where the content is a absent as the apostrophes are superfluous.

Arachni-Robo Japanese Science Explosion!

While the rest of the world struggles to find work for its recession-weary citizens, those wily Japanese are tackling the dual issue of how to make more jobs obsolete while efficiently incapacitating the former holding of said jobs.

Enter  Alacom Co. and Tmsuk Co.’s joint venture, the T-34, a real-life Robot Police Officer (or “Robocop,” if you would) that is capable of apprehending suspects via the proven most-effective method of suspect-capture, shooting nets over them, a la Spiderman.

Time will tell if human police officers will remain necessary now that super-sweet robots have been developed to do their work for them, but attempts to replace humans with robots have been a mixed bag in the past, with McDonald’s disastrous attempt to replace Pakistanis with the automated convenience store, Red Box, coming to mind.

I wish there was more to report on this fantastic breakthrough, but I’ve already included just about every novel detail that the BBC was able to impart. The Far East is indeed a land of mystery and killer robots.

[Giggling]

Dukes Defies Expectations, Doesn’t Go To Prison

Washington Nationals outfielder and repeat violent offender Elijah Dukes proved that one is never too old to learn something new this week by achieving the previously unattainable feat of not going to jail. The power hitter and suspected rapist avoided a stint in the California Penal League by paying $40,000 in back child support to his estranged wife on Friday at 4:57 p.m. – exactly three minutes before the court-imposed deadline of 5:00. Congratulations to Mr. Dukes and his team-appointed “Special Assistant of Player Concerns” for keeping the Nationals’ best hitter and most prominent sociopath on the streets this offseason.

Continue reading at the Bleacher Report…

Here’s a video of Dukes at a driving range in which we learn his favorite golfer is Vijay Singh:

Yes Pepsi Did!

Hard-Hitting News From The Paper of Record

Dramatization:

Important New York Times Editor (Chomping on cigar in front of a wall featuring clocks with times from around the world):
Alright staff, what have we to report to the people of Earth today?

Sarah Lyall:
I’ve got a story about places in England with funny names…

Editor:
Now there’s a story with legs if I’ve ever heard one! Run with it!

Reality:

They really did it.

Thanks to Cousin Josh for the early-morning scoop.

Recession Hitting B-More Actors

The actors who portrayed the following characters on The Wire have not appeared in anything and currently have no projects in production on the monolithic repository of movie knowledge, the IMDB:

Leander Sydnor, Jay Landsman, Michael Santangelo, Malik “Poot” Carr, Felicia “Snoop” Pearson, “Proposition” Joe Stewart, Det. Ed Norris, Wee-Bay Brice, Stan Valcheck, Del. Odell Watkins, Shamrock McGinty, Andy Krawczyk, Jen Carcetti, Marcia Donnelly, Bug (Michael Lee’s beloved brother), Butchie, Savino Bratton, Ricardo Hendrix A.K.A. Fat-Face Rick

Michael K. Williams A.K.A Omar Little, on the other hand, has no fewer than seven projects on the horizon to compliment his breakthrough performance in R. Kelly’s magnum opus, Trapped in the Closet. Among the most highly anticipated of these projects is obviously the Cormac McCarthy-adapted film, The Road, based on the following photo from IMDB:

Inauguration of the 47th Vice President of the United States, Joseph R. Biden

Over the past three weeks, I’ve encountered hicks in towns from Arkansas to New Mexico to the Negev Desert in Israel. Feeling like I should probably take advantage of living in a real society with stuff going on that doesn’t involve large amounts of methamphetamines and/or humus, I braved the Washington D.C. winter and overzealous crowds and headed out to the festivities surrounding Barack Obama’s first day of his new job.

The Christians were out in full force to wage war on the crowd’s collective good spirits, declaring their hatred of the usual suspects — your gays, Mormons, etc. — as well as heretical fans of professional sports for some reason.

Other guests of differing appreciation included the guys who have held Brother Mang’s job in the past. The crowd’s reaction to each of the former Commanders in Chimp went as follows:

I had attended the previous inauguration ceremony as well, mostly because a friend of mine had an extra ticket and I happened to have already completed my daily routine of masturbation and sobbing. The ’04 ceremony was a quiet, subdued affair in which a crowd of middling proportions consisting mostly of older white women wearing those dead foxes around their necks paid their respects to the pure blue blood of the incumbent G.W. Bush. Today’s affair could not have been more the opposite, featuring diverse and enthusiastic crowds chowing down on Jamaican beef patties and dancing to bucket percussionists while Samuel L. Jackson looked on approvingly.

Unfortunately, the morning’s events had a distinctly forced vibe, as though most people in attendence felt obligated to attend, in contrast to the spontaneous jubilation of election night. However, Brother Mang the President is now reality; let’s see how this goes.

A Tip Of The Cap

Having returned from the Holy Land and indulged in those most precious American commodities that are not readily available in Israel, namely pork, marijuana, not stepping on gigantic cactus thorns and interacting with people who aren’t militant dickholes, I would like to use this space to thank my cadre of beautiful, salubrious guest hosts who kept Rake Blog from sinking into the great blogosphere in the sky in my absence. Adam, Ted, Shira, Josh, Barry, Eban, Jamie and most of all, my loyal consigliere, Willie. I owe all of you naming rights for my unconceived children.

Check out some of the following for more from various combinations of Ted, Shira and Adam:

Flushing Fussing
Smoking Pancakes
The Onion
Gelf
The Nooner

Yes, that is a “Claw” game in which the prizes are packs of cigarettes, found on the street in Jerusalem. Savages.

Guest Blogger, Barry Trebach: Ode to Katz’s

It’s not chic, it’s not cozy, it’s not quiet, it’s not particularly warm, it’s not small, it’s not cheap, it’s not new, it’s not lite fare, it’s not for dieters, it’s not for vegetarians, it’s not for the
germ phobic, it’s not fast food, it’s not kosher, it’s not to be taken lightly.
Katz’s is one of a dying breed of deli in NY (and therefore the world). Opened in 1888, it remains the one and only, in the same location on the lower east side of NY:

Open with a dog with sauerkraut and a Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry soda. Think about, but don’t order, the next course. If you’re undecided, order a “combo”: half a sandwich of pastrami and half of something else. Never, never, never leave Katz;s without eating some pastrami. They have the pastrami de touti pastrami.  I’m partial to the tongue but I recognize that puts me in very limited company. Try the corned beef. Or, be bold and simply order the pastrami sandwich.  Side of half or whole sour pickles and you’re set. The fries are fine, the knish is often bland, the cole slaw is horrible–but why bother with such filler.  If you have room for desert you’ve done something wrong.
Don’t put off going.  The neighborhood is going upscale so fast and furiously that someone is going to make the owners an offer he can’t refuse. Then, we’re all hosed. No more Katz’s. You won’t be able to get  pastrami in the condos that will replace this joint.  Maybe you never had the chance to see Mantle or Mays but you probably missed Michael Jordan and Cal Ripken.  Don’t make that type of mistake again. Go stuff your face and enjoy.

Guest Blogger, Ebamino Singerini: Mise en Abyme

Guest Blogger, Ted Berg

In Taco Titan: The Glen Bell Story, Debra Lee Baldwin’s biography of Taco Bell founder Glen Bell, Bell himself grants readers a special treat: His 60 “Recipes for Success.” Leafing through these suggestions, we learn that Bell is not just a great and inspirational soothsayer (little-known fact: Bell briefly launched a barbecue chain called Hickory Bell in 1969, long before the barbecue explosion of this millennium), but a man who practices what he preaches. Here I present to you several of Bell’s recipes, all of which are currently in practice at every Taco Bell restaurant:

#3) An innovative product will set you apart.

Did you know that Glen Bell invented the pre-formed hard taco shell? It’s true. He owned a hamburger stand that happened to be across the street from a tortilla factory, but he realized that tacos — stuffed then deep-fried — were simply too messy for mass production and consumption. So Glen Bell hired some guy to make him a rack out of chicken wire. That way, he could deep-fry, then stuff. Innovation!

#9) Always be on the lookout for a bargain.

Little-known fact: Taco Bell cash registers do not go past $20. It is thought to be impossible to spend more than that on Taco Bell food, no matter how many people you’re with and how much you buy. The price per item drops as you approach $20. Everyone who follows Glen Bell’s Ninth Recipe for Success eats at Taco Bell daily, because there is no better bargain. How people still starve is beyond me. Have they ever even heard of the Big Taste Taco?

#19) Volume is the key to profit.

Duh. Why buy one expensive taco when you can buy 30 cheap ones?

#22) The best ideas are often the most simple.

How’s this for a simple idea: Start with six or seven delicious ingredients. Then we combine them in as many ways as we can possibly imagine. Cheesy Bean and Beef Burritaco! Do it! It’s gold!

#36) Control your growth or it will control you.

If there were a Taco Bell everywhere Taco Bell consumers wanted a Taco Bell, there would be Taco Bells everywhere. All retail space would be occupied by Taco Bell because all matter would be made up of Taco Bell, and the only thought would be Taco Bell because the entire universe, all of existence, would only be Taco Bell. So yeah, for the sake of life on Earth, it’s probably best that Taco Bell’s growth be controlled. Not for the sake of me getting some goddamned Taco Bell in Brooklyn, though.

#37) Challenge employees to recognize problems. Reward employees who generate solutions.

A few years ago, there was a problem at Taco Bell. It was this: Delicious crunchy tacos are really hard to travel with. Sure, those of us with brilliant and benevolent Driver’s Ed teachers were lucky enough to learn the secrets of driving while eating crunchy tacos (hint: play the angles), but it’s a tricky undertaking. So Glen Bell, I assume, challenged his employees to come up with some way to incorporate crunchiness in a portable menu item. Behold: The Double-Decker Taco, the Crunchwrap Supreme, The Cheesy Gordita Crunch, etc. I assume that these problems were both recognized and solved by Taco Bell employees because I know that Taco Bell employees possess the solutions to all the world’s problems.

#58) Money is not a goal in itself but a means to an end.

This is a universal truth. Money is not a goal in itself. Money is only a means with which to purchase tacos.

Guest Blogger, Shira Danan

Wheeeeeee! Finally! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: flying cars are awesome. The Parajet Skycar (pictured below with its inventor) took off from London today en route to Timbuktu (can we all agree Timbuktu is the best place to travel in a zany British flying contraption?).

It was built by a zany British inventor named Giles Cardozo, and, like all zany British inventions, accompanied by its fair share of adorable indigenous stereotypes.

”I just can’t wait to see their faces when we fly in and start playing football with them,” [Cardozo] said. ”I don’t think they will be able to believe somebody in a flying car has just visited them.”