Hello Lamp, How’s It Going? I Can Feel Your Power Flowing

According to a report in The New York Times on Saturday, LED street lights such as those installed in Ann Arbor, Michigan earlier this year are so efficient that a large-scale switchover could reduce carbon emissions in the United States by more than 50% over the next 20 years. More importantly, the glowing orbs currently illuminating the streets of Ann Arbor are a dead ringer for those installed by C. Montgomery Burns as during the execution of his diabolical plot to block out the sun create a 100% dependency on the electricity supplied by his beloved nuclear power plant.

Ann Arbor, MI

Springfield, USA

Quote of the Day (Yesterday)

Also No Joking, As It May Provoke Contraband Smiling

On the same day that the Post ran the aforementioned article about Virginia’s DMV putting the kibosh on smiling, The New York Times ran a similar, front-page story about a New Jersey high school that has enacted a ban on hugging. Here’s to the end of expressions of affection in total!

Man In Wrist Excerise Diagram Clearly Paul Sorvino

Unless he’s Lorne Michaels, which is also possible…

Before Rick James Could Afford Tons of Cocaine & Neil Young Had a Brain Aneurysm…

Prior to becoming the guy whose words Kurt Cobain found relatable seconds prior to shooting himself in the face and Dave Chappelle’s vision of 1980′s cocaine stupidity, respectively, Neil Young and Rick James forged a seemingly unlikely partnership in a Canadian-based band called The Mynah Birds, which just so happened to also feature keyboardist Goldie McJohn, later of a little band you may have heard of called “Steppenwolf.”

As if the roster of this collective of novelty superstars was not enough, their backstory [complete story] only adds Jews to the fire. After signing a Zito-esque 7-year deal with Motown in 1966, James was arrested for having gone AWOL from the U.S. Navel Reserve and fleeing to Canada two years earlier. The band promptly fell apart without releasing a single album, but lamenters should note that the only reason James was in Canada to meet and subsequently unite with Neil Young in the first place was because of James’ flight from his responsibilities.

A-Rod Now Hitting Home Runs Exclusively

Now that he has finally knocked his batting average up to the Mendoza Line for the first time since May 12th, let’s take a look at the hilarious stat line Alex Rodriguez has put together in the early going of 2009:

In his 59 plate appearances entering Saturday’s game, A-Rod has walked 12 times, struck out 8 and homered in 6, for a Three True Outcomes percentage of 44% — a truly Rob Deer-esque figure. Rodriguez’s stellar performance in spite of his low batting average (a product of his impossibly low .097 BABIP) calls to mind one of the more interesting performances of recent times, Mark McGwire’s 2001 swan song:

It’s worth noting that McGwire’s HR rate over that period was actually higher than his career rate of 10.612 — tops in the history of baseball (A-Rod is 7th at 14.14). McGwire came to the plate 364 times in 2001, with a 3TO percentage of 56%, with home runs accounting for more than half of his 56 hits.

Here’s to A-Rod hitting 100 home runs this season.

Johnny of the Mandics

Almost Time For Nats To Start Destroying Stephen Strasburg

Stephen Strasburg is too good for college baseball. Entering the 2009 season as already the top collegiate pitcher in the country, the San Diego State right hander has somehow managed to elevate his game this season, striking out 174 batters in 94 1/3 innings though last Thursday’s win over Utah while allowing just 14 earned runs on 72 baserunners. To translate these words into cold, rational numerals:

K/9: 16.6
ERA: 1.34
W/L: 12-0
Avg. IP per start: 7 1/3
WHIP: .763
BA Against: .167

As if his overall performance weren’t enough to get anyone with any vested interest in baseball paying attention, Strasburg complimented his 2009 campaign with a 17-K no-hitter against the Air Force Academy two weeks ago. Additionally, his name is the 9th overall suggestion Google has when “Stephe” is typed into the search bar, just ahead of the “Father of Texas,” Stephen F. Austin.

Continue Reading…

Brooklyn Love For Jud Law

For some reason, “Jud Law” was stenciled on this plastic construction marker in Fort Green, which is obviously very funny.

Corner of S. Elliott Pl. & Lafayette Ave.

Baseball Hall of Fame Doing Its Best To Become Completely Irrelevant

I was at the gym the other day (these pecs aren’t going to wail on themselves) and I happen to catch a segment of one of ESPN’s talking head panel shows on one of the standard-issue muted flat-screen TV’s television placed every five feet around the wall of any self-respecting personal fitness facility. The following discussion topic was written across the screen:

“Who hurt their Hall of Fame chances more, A-Rod or Manny?”

Where am I going with this? Find out here!

PS: Joe Mauer’s play on Sunday is among the sweetest things I’ve ever seen on a baseball field.

Hell Hast No Fury Like A Recovering Drug Addict Confused

One of the best things about the Internet is that is gives any idiot with a modem a medium to express their thoughts about anything they disagree with. Unfortunately, this is also the worst thing about the Internet. The comments left on a recent posting a wrote for The Nooner fall into the former category:

My Post:

Today is indeed a sad one for the National Pastime. News that affable dreadlocked slugger Manny Ramirez abused performance-enhancing drugs has shocked the sports world and couldn’t have come at a worse time, as it will now overshadow the continuing coverage of news that Alex Rodriguez abused performance-enhancing drugs.

As A-Rod returns to action this week, the public consciousness should be focused on his misdeeds, not moving on to those of another player. Selena Roberts, the brave patriot who first exposed A-Rod for having done what so many had done before, deserves better then to be overshadowed by a baseball player on the week her book was released. This was to be her moment in the sun; the public rallying around her, hoisting Ms. Roberts upon their collective shoulders and thanking God for sending his prophet to expose the secrets of athletes we admire.

Manny should be ashamed of himself.

John Saflarske’s Response:

Selena Roberts is a joke. How does someone who abused her journalistic license so flagrantly in her condemnation of the Duke lacrosse players ever get air time on ESPN and MLB TV? Do you want to be a journalist? Report the goings-on in those behind-closed-door meetings between congressmen and lobbyists. Better yet, I’m still waiting for a friggin straight answer to explain exactly what our troops are doing in Afghanistan and Iraq. Mr. Rake’s ridiculous falsehoods, like the terms “brave patriot” and “prophet”, are not only over the top, they’re around the world and over the top again. Get a clue or up the medication.To all of you bandwagon jumpers and hypocrites, it’s too late now, steroids cannot be considered cheating. I’m so sick and tired of seeing the hacks all over the media who are now taking their firm stance against steroids. The cry of “cheater” is so prevalent when there is a steroids discussion that I am forced to take you all down a few pegs. Let me start with a hypothetical scenario to demonstrate my first point.
Seeing that I’m a Met fan, lets imagine that Luis Castilla makes a sweep tag at Jimmy Rollins, who is attempting to steal second. It’s a close play and the umpire calls Mr. Rollins out. Luis walks up to the umpire and says “Excuse me, sir, but I’m afraid Mr. Rollins was safe. I missed the tag.” Do you believe that anyone; Luis’ teammates, the Mets organization, the media or the fans, would commend Luis for his honesty? On the contrary, I can practically feel the ripples of outrage running through the baseball community, even though this is only my imagination.
My point is that in team sports, one is expected to do WHATEVER it takes to win. So much so, that the simple (and possible) situation I just described is completely unimaginable. There is only one way to cheat in team sports, as we all know, and that’s to take a dive. Fudging an at bat, or throwing a ball into the stands purposely (Mr. Sheffield), is what should be considered cheating. All you Johnny-come-latlies who are now plastering “cheater” all over the media are acting like spoiled schoolhouse losers out on the playground, trying to distract us from the fact that you got your butts whooped by a better team. It’s pretty pathetic.
My second point of contention is the implication that steroid use is comparable to narcotics use. The common terms such as “banned substances” or “controlled substances” do a great disservice to suspected steroid users, although I don’t think the media minds this at all. The mention and images of hypodermic needles are being used over and over again to establish this link. As a former drunk and drug addict, I must insist that using narcotics is a much greater act of selfishness than using steroids. Going back to my previous point, I can picture unscrupulous agents saying, “Come on, do it for the team” or members of the team organization sending a borderline player to “certain” physicians who are a little too knowledgeable about steroids. The use of narcotics is detrimental to both the individual and the team. There should be no true comparison or innuendo.
Finally, the abuse of one’s Hall of Fame vote to make a value judgment. These men should not be judging a player’s character. It is not up to the Hall of Fame to levy punishments. How many of them are going home and smacking their wives around or doing lines of blow? If they want to start judging character, let them start by removing players like Ty Cobb and Mickey Mantle from the Hall of Fame. I’d rather let a steroid user watch my kid than a drunken bastard. It’s a little late to develop morals and scruples after we’ve turned our back on the dishonesty involved in team dynamics for well over a century. Can you imagine an honest player refusing to do steroids in the 1980s and his teammates goading him on with jeers of, “what are you, scared?” and “you don’t have what it takes”. I certainly can. Where were all these pillars of morality back then?

New Order Of Taco Ingredients To Make Life Worthwhile

As if Ted Berg hadn’t done enough for you, loyal Rake Blog readers, today he hath uncovered what may be the most Earth-shattering development since dice met Yahtzee cup: Taco Bell, through it’s Facebook page, has announced that today, May 14, 2009, will mark the introduction of an entire menu dedicated to products enhanced by that most majestic of substances, Lava Sauce.

It is hitherto unknown exactly what Taco Bell’s new Volcano Menu will consist of, but the Facebook advertisement did include pictures of both a classic Volcano Taco and a new product, the Volcano Double Beef Burrito, which the ad describes as being “Loaded with a double portion of seasoned beef, spicy Lava Sauce, and crunchy red strips,” and “[Delivering] some serious heat.”

The inclusion of Crunchy Red Strips in the Volcano Double Beef Burrito adds credence to Dr. Berg’s previously formed hypothesis about the distinctive red shell of Volcano Taco being derived from the same red tortilla source material as said Crunchy Red Strips, which as readers of Taco Bell Wiki know, are found in a variety of Taco Bell items including the Big Taste Taco and Chicken Caesar Grilled Stuft Burrito.

Thank you, Taco Bell.

May 14, 2009: Day 1 of Era Volcanus

Baseball Singularity

Thanks to the scrupulous daily research of Ted Berg, today we get the pleasure of witnessing this beautiful site:

Until Albert Pujols comes to bat in tonight’s 7:05 Cardinals-Pirates contest in Pittsburgh, he and Dark Helmet himself, Barry Bonds, find themselves with the exact same career OPS, right down to the fifth decimal place. Like a solar eclipse, the mating of the majestic humpback whale or the passing of Halley’s Comet, this is truly a site to behold.

Sadly, It’s Not A Type-O

Guest Blogger: Steve Mirsky

Excerpted from Mr. Mirsky’s essay, The Effects of ADHD On Adolescent Development.

Some social scientists have hypothesized that ADHD is just a method for parents to rationalize their children’s poor behavior. This may often be the case, but it is just as often not so, as many children suffer from ADHD, including former Growing Pains actress Tracey Gold. If this were generally the case, drugs would probably be prescribed less frequently, however, one can never be sure. Currently, the number of children diagnosed with ADHD is over one million.

There are ADHD victims in nearly every continent except for Antarctica, and with the rapid spread of information over the World Wide Web, new cases are popping up every day in previously uninfected areas. There are Chinese children who have been diagnosed with ADHD, as well as Mexican, Korean and even Dutch.

A sad side effect of ADHD diagnoses is severe self-loathing. Although rare, it does happen sometimes, and when it does it is extremely sad. Witnessing an adolescent deal with such an issue on top of all of the normal stuff that adolescent kids deal with can be heartbreaking for a parent, guardian, family friend or even a neighbor. It is similar to watching a hungry dog whose owner is a poor person. The dog will continue to scratch on the poor person’s torn screen door, begging for food, but there is none to go around, as the poor person can only afford to feed the dog once a day.

The kind of kid that gets ADHD is a difficult beast to describe. They can vary in height, weight, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, musical taste or even height. Sometimes kids with ADHD are Latin American, but they often aren’t. In other instances, the children of former ADHD victims are Latin American, but only if the initial victims are Latin American as well.

Luckily, there is an extremely high survival rate among ADHD sufferers. There have been no known casualties of the disorder, but if there have been unknown casualties, we don’t’ really know much, if anything, about them, as is the nature of the unknown. Children with ADHD who haven’t died, which again is all of them, have gone on to do many great things, including fly airplanes, deliver Pizza Hut pizzas, pastas and salads, become President of the United States (POTUS), play professional soccer, star in Hollywood movies such as Top Gun, House Bunny and Scary Movie, become professors at small liberal arts colleges, invent products, use the internet, get married to people they love and even enjoy video games.