Robots Are Cool, As Long As They’re Sober

Every so often, I guess newspapers try to space it out to avoid market saturation,* we get a wave of articles about some handicapped athlete that overcame their disability via some kind of futuristic implant that allows them to compete in athletic competition again. The subjects of these articles are generally praised for their courage and perseverance, etc. etc., it’s a feel-good story and everyone is happy. End of story.

Isn’t it strange that athletes with exterior enhancements are hailed as heroes while athletes who turn to internal supplements are dragged through the mud and dismissed as cheaters? Is Mark McGwire taking pills or injections to make him as strong as possible significantly different from Amy Palmiero-Winters strapping on some robotic cheetah legs so that she can run as fast as her bionic organs will allow? At the end of the day, isn’t it just a couple of athletes who want to be as good as they can be at their sport?

Q: You’re a dick. Amy Palmiero-Winters suffered a horrific accident, where as Mark McGwire was perfectly healthy and knowingly broke the rules of his game!

A: Really? So someone has to be seriously injured before it’s acceptable to take advantage of the best performance-enhancing technology science has to offer?

* Similarly to the stories of the runners with the cheetah legs, today The Times dusted off the ol’ “Mariano Rivera Is The Epitome Of All That Is Noble And Good” article that they run once a year or so.

CC Sabathia Needs To Keep His Hand In Kurt Suzuki’s Pocket Any Time They Are Together In Public

With today’s monster three-run home run pushing Kurt Suzuki’s lifetime slugging percentage against CC Sabthia up to a distinctly un-Kurt Suzuki-ish .882 over 17 plate appearances, it is safe to say that that the A’s Flyin’ Hawaiian owns the Yankees’ giant talking hot dog.

Other noteworthy bitch-makings:

50 Cent: Auteur

If you’re not excited for the upcoming film, Gun, then you obviously haven’t heard anything about it. What can be ascertained from the film’s poster:

1.) The film’s tagline is “One gun, many lives lost” despite the fact that the poster depicts 50 holding two guns.

2.) The film was written by 50 himself.

3.) The film co-stars 50 and Val Kilmer, however, Kilmer is featured nowhere on the poster. This makes sense, as Kilmer’s career filmography has grossed nearly a billion dollars, compared to the $15 or so 50 Cent took in with 2005′s Get Rich or Die Tryin’.

4.) This should be a very good movie.

Hilarious Food Options Abound

1.) Ben & Jerry’s “Mission to Marzipan”

It’s about time Mission to Mars, the 2000 Brian De Palma-directed sci-fi epic about a group of astronauts who are also best friends who travel to Mars to grow trees but instead get caught in a dust storm only to be saved by a martian who explains to them that the people of Earth are actually descendants of a once-great Martian civilization and concludes with Gary Sinise’s character taking off in a spaceship explore the distant cosmos, got its due as the cultural milestone it truly is. 

2.) KFC’s Double Down Sandwich

Trivia question:
Which of the following is not an ingredient in the KFC Double Down Sandwich?
A.) 2 Fried chicken filets
B.) Bacon
C.) Monterey jack cheese
D.) Colonel’s Sauce
E.) Lettuce

Showtime

We all agree that the only things funnier than penises and vaginas are the weird, misused penises and vaginas of sad people, right? That said, come by the Magnet Theater on W. 29th St. this Sunday, where Shira Danan and I will be premiering our new sketch comedy show, Sadistic Terrific. Shira and I wrote last year’s supernatural dick-joke epic, Ghost Toast, and ST looks to pick up where GT left off in terms of expressing our collective discomfort. Show starts at 6:30 and is what they call a Test Drive, meaning if Sunday’s show goes well we will get the opportunity for a run at the theater. Come by and laugh at the fruits of my crippling insecurities. $5 at the door.

Wiki Historians Do The Monroe Doctrine