Facebook Almost Solves Jake Rake

My custom-tailored (more like Jake Taylored! Right? It works on two levels because of the Major League and my name being Jake…come on!) advertisements on the Facebook. Two out of three isn’t bad…

Is This The Moment Of Singularity When Facebook Absorbs Gmail?

New Order Of Taco Ingredients To Make Life Worthwhile

As if Ted Berg hadn’t done enough for you, loyal Rake Blog readers, today he hath uncovered what may be the most Earth-shattering development since dice met Yahtzee cup: Taco Bell, through it’s Facebook page, has announced that today, May 14, 2009, will mark the introduction of an entire menu dedicated to products enhanced by that most majestic of substances, Lava Sauce.

It is hitherto unknown exactly what Taco Bell’s new Volcano Menu will consist of, but the Facebook advertisement did include pictures of both a classic Volcano Taco and a new product, the Volcano Double Beef Burrito, which the ad describes as being “Loaded with a double portion of seasoned beef, spicy Lava Sauce, and crunchy red strips,” and “[Delivering] some serious heat.”

The inclusion of Crunchy Red Strips in the Volcano Double Beef Burrito adds credence to Dr. Berg’s previously formed hypothesis about the distinctive red shell of Volcano Taco being derived from the same red tortilla source material as said Crunchy Red Strips, which as readers of Taco Bell Wiki know, are found in a variety of Taco Bell items including the Big Taste Taco and Chicken Caesar Grilled Stuft Burrito.

Thank you, Taco Bell.

May 14, 2009: Day 1 of Era Volcanus

The Facebook Continues To Grow Larger, Weirder

A Taste Of MD; Tom Rules

I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising, considering how much of world history has been shaped by peoples’ taste for spices, but I have to question whether Old Bay Seasoning needs its own Facebook profile. I appear to be a minority opinion, however, as the people have spoken:

More From Ivana Mandic

Of the 64 girls named “Ivana Mandic” listed on the Facebook, 10 have accepted my friend requests, as of 2am on Thursday 2/12/09. Of those 10, just four have seen fit as press time, to join the Facebook group I created, “Jake Rake & The Ivana Mandics,” in which I am the lone admin and hold the office of “Mandic.”

If, by any chance, your name happens to be “Ivana Mandic” and you have a Facebook profile, please feel contact me about joining said group.

Thank you.

-Jake Rake
Mandic, Jake Rake & the Ivana Mandics

Take That, Earnest Fans Innocently Expressing Themselves Online

In stark contrast to the mild disappointment I felt after discovering that nobody took initiative to create a Wikipedia entry for Taco Bell’s new Volcano Taco, the best evidence that Internet may have become too comprehensive for its own good may come in the form of the Facebook fansite for 7-11 Slurpees, creatively titled, “Slurpees!,” complete with requisite exclamation point.

The existence of said Slurpee fansite is hardly surprising, as there are certainly weirder fansites out there and Slurpees are delicious, however, what distinguishes the Facebook page as odd is the enthusiastic positivity of its members. The site’s wall features a bizarrely G-rated array of compliments for the product, without a sniff of irony or criticism. Is it possible that the assholes that populate the rest of the Internet have yet to discover “Slurpees!?” If that is the case, then today’s your lucky day, web-savy fans of this particular iced novelty beverage!

Facebook Hearts Jesus? Goddamn It.

Why is there an option to ‘Add Bible Scripture’ on my Facebook profile? Just when I start to accept The Facebook as anything other then an excellent way to ogle girls from afar, they go and raise concerns about having a weird religious agenda. This is almost as disappointing as when I found out that In ‘n Out Burger has a similar thing going on.

Bring it on, Michael Gerde of Oak Hills High School and the 709 Members of His Ill-Conceived Facebook Group

In a manner similarly disgusting to the events leading up to last week’s hilarious ‘Tim Russert Sucked Anyway’ debacle, fans of the death of late Cardinals reliever Josh Hancock gathered in digital droves to disappoint and delight me to no end about the healthy condition of modern stupidity.

I understand that the grieving process following the death of someone important can be long and arduous, but you’d think that the people who were so effected by a person’s death may have some interest in at least proofreading their tributes before offering them to the public, so as to avoid starting Facebook groups called ‘In rememberence of Josh Handcock.’

What makes the group even funnier is that 3 of the 5 postings on the group’s wall, as well as both of the messages on the group’s discussion board, regard the misspelling of Hancock’s name, rather than anything having to do with his life or memory.

I would say something like ‘People never fail to disappoint me,’ but that would imply that I expected more from people who start Facebook groups dedicated to celebrating the death of little-known middle relief pitchers.

Tim Russert Fan #1 Hates Jake Rake

In the days following the death of NBC newsman Tim Russert, my Facebook news feed indicated that several of my digital friends had joined various Russert-tribute groups, with names like “R.I.P. Tim Russert,” “We’ll Miss You Tim Russert!” and “Hey Tim Russert, Mind If I Suck Your Dead Dick?” I get it, someone died. But every time someone dies, why do other people feel the need to insert themselves into the action? “Oh man, Tim Russert was my favorite television personality, so this is really tragic for me.”

Being an asshole, I started a Russert-centric Facebook group of my own, entitled Tim Russert Sucked Anyway. I admit, it wasn’t the classiest thing I’d ever done, but whatever, what happened, happened.

Or so I thought. After getting a pretty lackluster response to the group in the first 24 hours (3 members), I received the following message:

Wow. Who knew that anyone was that passionate about anything, much less some dead television personality. I was all set to reply with a a generic, “Thank you for your interest in “Tim Russert Sucked Anyway,” our group depends on the support of people like you…etc,” but unfortunately Kenny Reisweber didn’t leave any contact info. If anyone knows him, tell him I say hi and please don’t stab me.

Because MySpace Is For Pussies

No more fucking around. You want a real social-networking site? Check out SaigonDarlings.com. I logged on to the Facebook today and found they had placed an ad on my profile, right next to an ad for Queens of the Stone Age tickets.

I wonder if I should be concerned about whatever information in my profile is leading the Facebook advertising algorithm to set me up with a mail-order bride agency.